Nude_woman_on_horseback

Bareback Request Denied

Question 3

I started seeing this girl with the potential that we’d become Dom and sub. We went on a few dates, and things seemed to be going great. We talked a lot about D/s (I have experience, she doesn’t.) We talked consent, safe words, safety, all kinds of stuff.

One night, she came back to my place, and we had sex. Just vanilla stuff, though I swatted her butt once or twice, that kind of thing. I’ve had some nerve damage, so I don’t have a lot of sensation in my penis. I asked her several times if she’d like to try sex without a condom. She kept saying no. I asked her why not, and she wouldn’t give me a good answer. I’m clean, and she was a virgin, and it was highly unlikely that I’d get her pregnant. So I wound up keeping the condom on. I took her home afterward, and everything seemed fine.

Two days later, she broke up with me. She said that she couldn’t trust me, because I kept asking to go bareback, even though she kept saying no. She said she’s an anxious person, and she’s worried that if I ever had her tied up and she used her safe word that I’d just ignore it.

I like this girl. What can I say to make it better?

Answer:

What can you say? One word: Goodbye.

Also: “Sorry I’m an inconsiderate shitlord” and “Bravo for not caving to my greed.”

I’m not sure what kind of experience you have with BDSM but your grasp of the concept of consent—you know, the MOST IMPORTANT PART—is shaky at best. No one should have to “keep saying no” to barebacking requests and no one owes you an explanation. There is no such thing as a “good answer” because it doesn’t matter if you’re clean or if she’s a virgin (and holy crap dude, maybe stay the fuck out of vaginas until you figure out how they actually work). You’re lucky she didn’t shove you off the second time you asked to ditch the latex—hell, you’re lucky she even let you finish.

I applaud this self-assured young lady for recognizing your disdain for boundaries and woefully misinformed expectations of a D/s relationship. She was absolutely right to mistrust you and you are a fool for ruining your shot with such a catch. I can only hope the next person you lure to bed has the same sense of dignity and fortitude.

But before you jump back into the hookup pool (BDSM or otherwise), please spend a little time researching what “consent, safe words, safety, all kinds of stuff” REALLY means, because your version is a dangerous farce. For starters, check out The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino or join online BDSM communities like Fetlife.

And remember: consent isn’t just an obligation of decency to your sexual partner, it’s a guarantee that you’re both enjoying yourself as much as possible. But if giving pleasure isn’t as crucial to you as getting it, do the world a favor and stick with your hand or a Fleshlight or an escort who’s paid to pretend that only your orgasm matters.

*caption for photo: “Nude woman on horseback” by Freehorseriding at the German language Wikipedia. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons

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one Comment

  • Profile photo of 1onewolf
    1onewolf 3 years ago

    I completely understand what she had to say and agree with her honesty.

    I think you was very excited, eager. You will now have to respect how she worded her review on you. I don’t believe anything you say will change anything. I am very sure that she has made her mind up on you.

    Trust is a huge thing with the whole dom and sub thing. Though, you went on dates and talked about safe words and other aspects. She did not give you a good enough answer. There is the fault in the equation. Any answer no matter what the answer. A, “NO” is a, “NO”.

    I don’t think anything else is going to happen. So you will just have to accept that you and her will not happen and move on with your life. Give thought to how you have behaved.

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