I started seeing this girl with the potential that we’d become Dom and sub. We went on a few dates, and things seemed to be going great. We talked a lot about D/s (I have experience, she doesn’t.) We talked consent, safe words, safety, all kinds of stuff.
One night, she came back to my place, and we had sex. Just vanilla stuff, though I swatted her butt once or twice, that kind of thing. I’ve had some nerve damage, so I don’t have a lot of sensation in my penis. I asked her several times if she’d like to try sex without a condom. She kept saying no. I asked her why not, and she wouldn’t give me a good answer. I’m clean, and she was a virgin, and it was highly unlikely that I’d get her pregnant. So I wound up keeping the condom on. I took her home afterward, and everything seemed fine.
Two days later, she broke up with me. She said that she couldn’t trust me, because I kept asking to go bareback, even though she kept saying no. She said she’s an anxious person, and she’s worried that if I ever had her tied up and she used her safe word that I’d just ignore it.
I like this girl. What can I say to make it better?
Dear Wannabe Dom
Stop being a Dumb Dom! When a girl says ‘No’ – it means ‘No’. You asked her if she’d like to try sex without a condom – she said no. She doesn’t need to give you what you consider a ‘good’ reason. Asking her again several times means you don’t care about her feelings on this. I wouldn’t trust you either – especially if you had me tied up and I couldn’t do anything to stop you.
Your comments about you being clean and her being a virgin and it being unlikely that she’d get pregnant is so last century! How does she know who you slept with yesterday, last week, last month. STDs are a major problem today and a girl would be crazy to go bare back with a guy on the first night and without a committed one-on-one relationship. It’s not that healthy for you either! You don’t know who they’ve been with! While I’m sorry that you don’t have a lot of sensation in your penis, you can’t expect a woman to give up her safety just for your pleasure.
To be honest, I can’t think of anything you can say to make this better, as I believe you have already lost that fragile chain of trust you were building up.
In your next relationship, be honest about your situation up front with the woman and see if you can come to a mutually acceptable way to handle this. There are a great many condoms out on the market today, and testing them out to find one that gives you the most sensation would be a good start – and a lot of fun!