I started seeing this girl with the potential that we’d become Dom and sub. We went on a few dates, and things seemed to be going great. We talked a lot about D/s (I have experience, she doesn’t.) We talked consent, safe words, safety, all kinds of stuff.
One night, she came back to my place, and we had sex. Just vanilla stuff, though I swatted her butt once or twice, that kind of thing. I’ve had some nerve damage, so I don’t have a lot of sensation in my penis. I asked her several times if she’d like to try sex without a condom. She kept saying no. I asked her why not, and she wouldn’t give me a good answer. I’m clean, and she was a virgin, and it was highly unlikely that I’d get her pregnant. So I wound up keeping the condom on. I took her home afterward, and everything seemed fine.
Two days later, she broke up with me. She said that she couldn’t trust me, because I kept asking to go bareback, even though she kept saying no. She said she’s an anxious person, and she’s worried that if I ever had her tied up and she used her safe word that I’d just ignore it.
I like this girl. What can I say to make it better?
Yeah…you’re a moron.
You should know that in the kink world, consent is king (it should be for the vanilla world, too, but that’s a different column.)
Consent is not the absence of “no.” It is the presence of “YES!” The fact that she said “no” once should have ended the conversation. Period. But let’s look at your reasons why you wanted to go bareback.
I’m sure you’ve been tested for STDs. Did you know that the herpes virus (HSV-1 and HSV-2) are not currently tested for in standardized tests? Or HPV? And the fun bit about HPV is you, being male, likely would not have any symptoms, but she could potentially wind up with cervical cancer. Does that sound like a fair trade for a night of bareback fun?
As for it being “highly unlikely” that you’d get her pregnant, unless she’s had her ovaries removed or you’ve had your testicles removed, chances are, you could get her preggo. No form of birth control is 100% effective (aside from complete abstinence.) Even with a vasectomy, a determined swimmer could break free, as the testicles are still perfectly functional. Same goes for a tubal ligation. So whatever reason you think you’re “highly unlikely” to get a girl pregnant, forget it.
Aside from those two, I’ve gotta stress the most important part: she said no.
You can’t say or do anything to make this better. You could say you’re sorry and admit that you fucked up (because you did) but that’s still not going to make her anxiety go away. Anxiety does this nasty thing where it takes bad experiences from the past and uses them to warp future experiences. So now this girl is going to carry this new anxiety to every future relationship she has.
So good job. You fucked her up. Leave the poor girl alone.
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