Your situation brings to mind a camping trip I once had where I decided it would be fun to play in a huge lake of mud and then got so absolutely stuck in it, that my family had to yank me from it; leaving my shoes, dignity and courage behind in the mud. It also reminds me of the times I’ve found myself leaving relationships that had me wondering what the hell I was thinking when I got with those jerks in the first place.
After taking the time to read and reread your dilemma and consult with the husbeast, we came to a consensus that will help you get your shoes out of the mud and save your dignity in the process: Dump him.
There’s a huge neon sign following you around and if you turn around and look at it, it says “RUN”.
Here’s why I’m telling you this.
From the woman’s perspective:
He’s playing you. It’s clear that he was hoping you’d be more of a friend with benefits. You’re a goddess with guts, who isn’t afraid to play hardball in a (traditional) man’s came. I’ve been there. I may not have worked on an oil rig, but I can throw my “balls” around like the best of them. I’ve tied and carried hundreds of pounds of re-bar, framed houses, cleaned tanks on naval ships and made grown men cry. Even if your more involved in the technical aspect of the rigs, you’ve still shown that you have what it takes to “hang with the guys”. You and I love a good challenge, and we’re the type to never back down. The first problem, is that there will come times in your life when you need to back away very quickly, because the challenge is actually a trap. The second problem is that the “cool” gals often get confused with friends with benefits. Guys who don’t do good in relationships, tend to assume that a woman who can hang with the guys, will always have a guys perspectives about sex and monogamous relationships. They assume you’ll just be cool with them coming and going as they please.
Now, let’s look at what you’ve learned so far in your short few months with this guy:
1. He doesn’t respect your boundaries and need for space.
2. He’s a horrible communicator and disrespectful. Text messages might be very impersonal (especially with someone you supposedly love), but you can still clearly communicate while texting. How about manning up and saying “I’m done arguing tonight.”? He clearly meant to injure you emotionally, and leave you in confusion. Do you really need another few months of that?
3. He’s already been with someone else. Come on, why else would he need time to “figure things out” WITHOUT you? A real man, whose serious about being with you, does not need to leave the boundaries of your new relationship to figure things out.
4. He doesn’t understand you and isn’t that committed to understanding you. If we assumed that he actually used those two weeks for work and introspection, then we would also assume that he would come back to you and tell you how he’s going to fix all of the problems you’ve already been telling him about and wouldn’t need you to tell him (again) what he needs to do to fulfill your needs.
From the guys perspective:
1. You’ve already gone down the path to full separation, why prolong it? He dumped you, you dumped him, he took a break and now he’s come crawling back trying to get you to fulfill his need to be with you without any guarantee that he will even attempt to fulfill your needs.
2. If he was really as genuine as he’s trying to make you believe, then he would be more concerned with your needs than his own. A man who is truly looking for a long term monogamous relationship with you, would have really listened to you in the first place and would come back knowing at least what he needed to start doing to get back into your good graces. Instead, he’s playing on your good nature and sympathetic emotions. Is that the kind of guy you want to be with?
Now, if you’ve already convinced yourself that he’s worth pursuing even among the unnecessary drama he’s brought into your life, there are some things you’ll need to do if you want to even glimpse a moment of a happy relationship with him.
1. Tell him what he needs to do. It will feel hollow, and the chances are that he won’t do what you tell him to anyways, but the truth is that even “Mr. Perfect” isn’t psychic, and sometimes you need to spell things out, literally. Don’t mince words or try to be nice. Just tell him straight up, what it is you want. Do you want him to throw you up against a wall and aggressively make out with you after a long day at work? Then tell him that. Do you just want him to sit down and ask you about your day when he sees you? Tell him that. Whatever you need, demand it.
2. Recognize that you can’t change a person. He just might be capable of doing what you want him to do, but he’s always going to be an inconsiderate whiner who thinks mostly about himself. So while you might have great sex and enjoy the commonality of your careers, you have to accept the WHOLE package or ship it back return to sender.
3. Recognize that your situation is difficult. You both work jobs that drain you at the end of the day, and there are going to be days that you don’t want to bend over and take it, just like there are going to be days that he’d rather be alone with a beer. You’ll have to accept that you’re accepting this sort of arrangement if you pursue this relationship. If you can’t handle that, get out now.
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