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Dear Sexually Open

(I’m responding to question #2)

What The F*ck is more like it. So here’s the funny thing about private parts, riding the same one for years on end gets boring and the first one to get bored is usually the last one to get cheated on. Now I’m not recommending that you hire the Private Dick, not just yet at least, let’s explore the possibilities before we come to a well considered hypothesis of what’s going on with your marriage.

You say that you’ve been married 4 years, well that’s a fair amount of time for anyone to get comfortable. By this time the two of you have lived in the house together long enough to know what each others worst habits are and surely by now you’ve seen each other on the toilet. Much of the novelty of a new relationship has worn off and you’re likely together because you genuinely like each other, or at least each of you thinks that the other is tolerable. While not impossible, I must ask if your marriage has yet to yield children? I find it very hard to believe that a young, sexually active couple such as yourselves hasn’t activated the baby making machine after living together for so long (my own little birth control mishap only took a year and a half of co-habitating to conjure up). I notice that those little bundles of joy and happiness that we call off-spring have an uncanny way of decreasing the act of and/or excitement of the very activity that brought them into existence. If children are indeed a factor in your home/life and therefore bedroom, I say leave the man to his devices, becoming new parents changes everything and literally every BODY. The man is searching for a sense of familiarity having embarked upon new territory, let him have his pornos, he’ll find his way back to you.

Now, if having become new parents is not a factor in this scenario, then my dear you’ve got cause for concern! My first approach would be to try something new in bed, hell f*ck the bed, if there are no children in the home to be forever damaged by your crude acts of passion and lust, it’s time to crank up the volume, and I say crank it all over the place. Get out of your normal routine, invite your man to screw you on the balcony at night time after dinner, when it’s not too late and there’s likely to be someone watching from a near yet distant window. Visit a sex club together, or get dirty in the back row of the movie theater together. Your sex life is screaming for some excitement! Now, if you crank up the volume and you find that he’s still in need of that porno to finish his deed, well then my dear, it’s time to hire that DICK.

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