How NOT to Deflower a Virgin

I started seeing this girl with the potential that we’d become Dom and sub. We went on a few dates, and things seemed to be going great. We talked a lot about D/s (I have experience, she doesn’t.) We talked consent, safe words, safety, all kinds of stuff.

One night, she came back to my place, and we had sex. Just vanilla stuff, though I swatted her butt once or twice, that kind of thing. I’ve had some nerve damage, so I don’t have a lot of sensation in my penis. I asked her several times if she’d like to try sex without a condom. She kept saying no. I asked her why not, and she wouldn’t give me a good answer. I’m clean, and she was a virgin, and it was highly unlikely that I’d get her pregnant. So I wound up keeping the condom on. I took her home afterward, and everything seemed fine.

Two days later, she broke up with me. She said that she couldn’t trust me, because I kept asking to go bareback, even though she kept saying no. She said she’s an anxious person, and she’s worried that if I ever had her tied up and she used her safe word that I’d just ignore it.

I like this girl. What can I say to make it better?


This may be difficult for you to understand, but I hope you can take a reflective moment and let these words resonate: when somebody says no to you during sex you’ve got to immediately stop what you’re doing and respect their decision — no questions asked. Unless you want to enter the domain of a 1950’s TV trope slimeball (“Come on baby, it’ll feel good….) I’d suggest you’d keep this in mind.

RESPECT: It’s probably the most important rule of gland-to-gland combat. Whenever you start pressuring someone and actively working to push them beyond what they’re comfortable doing you start navigating the dangerous waters a sexual encounter she’s going have to hire a therapist to get over. In this particular case you’ve got to realize that this girl is a virgin, so this is obviously a situation you’ve got to handle even more delicately. I’m sure I’m not the first to say it, but the fact of that matter is you done fucked up, kid.

Right now the ball is in her count. If you’re serious about making amends (or at least trying to) you’ve got to remember that magic word that I used before (hint: R-E-S-P-E-C-T) and let her decide whether or not she wants to give you a second chance. So, pick your favourite medium of communication and apologize. Take responsibility for your screw-up and wait to see if she accepts it. If not, chalk this up to a good life lesson and move on.

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