No-to-Yes a 1-Step Guide

I started seeing this girl with the potential that we’d become Dom and sub. We went on a few dates, and things seemed to be going great. We talked a lot about D/s (I have experience, she doesn’t.) We talked consent, safe words, safety, all kinds of stuff.
One night, she came back to my place, and we had sex. Just vanilla stuff, though I swatted her butt once or twice, that kind of thing. I’ve had some nerve damage, so I don’t have a lot of sensation in my penis. I asked her several times if she’d like to try sex without a condom. She kept saying no. I asked her why not, and she wouldn’t give me a good answer. I’m clean, and she was a virgin, and it was highly unlikely that I’d get her pregnant. So I wound up keeping the condom on. I took her home afterward, and everything seemed fine.
Two days later, she broke up with me. She said that she couldn’t trust me, because I kept asking to go bareback, even though she kept saying no. She said she’s an anxious person, and she’s worried that if I ever had her tied up and she used her safe word that I’d just ignore it.
I like this girl. What can I say to make it better?

First step: Say you’re sorry. List over.

Sorry buddy, but you’re definitely at the red light here. Bringing it up once? Yeah that’s fine, and a reasonable question to ask; however, despite her expressed desire to not have bareback vaginal sex, constantly asking regardless shows an expressed lack of one of the most important aspects of Dominant/submissive relationships: communication.

Instead of repeated asking, I would have asked if she was into butt stuff instead.

The kink community calls that the ‘Negotiation phase’: two parties discuss what can and can absolutely *not* happen during a scene. While this seemed to be on a smaller scale, it was no less important. Even if she didn’t have a ‘good answer’ part of communication is understanding that, hey, maybe she doesn’t need to explain why she doesn’t want raw dick rubbing against her.

Maybe she’s allergic.

While you’re probably a fine fella, not respecting that initial ‘No” threw question marks at your trustworthiness. And once someone questions that, everything just becomes an upward climb from there. The slope, of course, being a vertical glass skyscraper with no footholds. Not impossible, mind you, but if you want something amazing like trust back you better be ready to jump through a few hoops.

If it wasn’t clear, you should definitely start with an “I’m sorry.” What you want her to feel is that she’s heard, understood, and that her ‘No’ (and subsequent safeword) is, and will always be, respected. If she forgives you, you can start again from there.

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