I work in the oil field. I’ve had flings at work before (not difficult being one of the few women working in the oil fields) but nothing really serious. A few months ago, I started seeing one of the guys up there (we worked on the same project, but in different sections.) He was really sweet, and the sex was fantastic. When that project ended, we each got new jobs in different places. Long story short, we started arguing, and I think miscommunication was playing a big role as we were only talking over text message. One time, he sent me a text that said “We’re done.” Which I took to mean he was breaking up with me. But he said he meant he was too tired to continue arguing that night. Things like that.
While we were arguing, the possibility of breaking up came up several times. And every time it did, he’d beg me not to leave him. He’d say how he doesn’t want to lose me, and he’d ask what he could do to make things better, and he never liked when I said I needed space to think. I’m pretty sure he still doesn’t understand why I was upset in the first place (I didn’t want to spend my days off sitting around in a hotel, hoping that he’d find some energy to spend time with me after working twelve hour days.)
Well, we wound up breaking up. He said he wanted to figure some things out, and that he couldn’t do that while in a relationship.
And now, just a couple of weeks later, he wants me back. He hasn’t figured out anything, except that he doesn’t want to lose me. He wants me to tell him what to say to make it better. I told him that I don’t want him to say what he thinks I want to hear, or some grand romantic gesture, or anything like that. I’m hurt and I want some space. What should I do?”
Dear Oil Field Hottie
You must feel like you’re attached to an elastic band – I want you – go away – I want you, etc. Untie it, and figure out what’s wrong and see if you both can fix it. I think you can, if you want to. Right now, you’re the one in the driver’s seat – start driving!
First, look at the beginning of the relationship and figure out the reasons it was good. You were both in an isolated area with few choices, probably communicated in person most, if not all, of the time, and were able to physically connect – this makes the relationship safe, intimate, and easy to eliminate any problems that come up. Now you’re in different places, you communicate by text, and sex with each other is something you remember.
So there are 3 things to consider, the distance, the form of communication, and the lack of hot and sweaty nooky – a MAJOR stress factor if ever there was one!
Yes, you are no longer isolated together – could this be threatening to him? Could your requests for space sound like you want to be farther away from him, instead of just needing to think?
How about communication? At the best of times, texting is so impersonal, and open to numerous interpretations. So WHY are you choosing it? You have so many OTHER OPTIONS! Skype is one of the best – you can see and hear each other in real time – enjoy each flickering glance, appreciate the subtle nuances of language, watching your lover form each word with those lips, seeing those eyes, imaging those arms – not to mention what else you can see and SHOW! Then there’s the actual telephone, where you can at least hear each other’s voices, and phone intimacy and phone sex were around long before texting. You may not communicate as often you did when texting – but I’d prefer quality over quantity any day – and there’s much less chance of miscommunication.
Also, you’ve got to take into account how working 12-hour shifts affects both of you – and that those long, long hours of work are not delightfully punctuated with delicious bouts of licking and sucking and making the ‘beast with two backs’. Gee – I wonder why BOTH of you are so stressed out and confused!
You’ve already got one thing on your side, neither of you are quitters – you think enough of each other to hang in even over text – you both value the relationship you had when you worked together. He’s open enough to ask you to let him know how to fix this. So -START DRIVING! Tell him that you only want to communicate by Skype or phone – or limit texting to non-emotional communications. Explain how you actually feel about him, and ask him to tell you as well. Plan times when you can get sexual by Skype or phone, and make future plans for those in-person full-body collisions! Have something to keep you both going – and something to look forward to. It makes great conversation just to talk about what you’d like to do to each other when you finally get together.
I believe you’ve got a good chance of resuscitating this relationship, and getting to back to an enjoyable intimate and sexual relationship, long term. And who knows what this can eventually become?
So call that hot oil man and see if you can get his – and your – juices back to a boil again!