I am a 35 year old man and happily married. My wife and I were very sexually active, having sex at least four times a week. Now we are expecting our first child together and are very happy. But we have stopped having sex. It has been about four months and my wife is due in two. I know that women go through a nesting stage, and is feeling uncomfortable but I think my dick is going to fall off with the amount of masturbating I have been doing. I just think what if this continues after the baby is born, how long should a guy wait for, without bringing it up? I don’t want to hurt her feelings or get pissed at me, but we also have a marriage we need to support.
Now, I can understand where you’re coming from. Suddenly going from having sex at least every other day to four months of nothing sucks. However, you’re thinking with your penis, and that will only land you in trouble.
Every pregnancy is different for every woman. Some women maintain a high libido during the entire course of their pregnancies. Some women lose their desire entirely. And for some women, their libido fluctuates during different phases of the pregnancy.
Your wife is cooking up a little person inside her body. Her hormones are messed up, to put it lightly. She’s also potentially dealing with various unsexy symptoms such as indigestion, heartburn, and the baby kicking her at random times. And let’s not forget that the baby is compressing her bladder, forcing her to make frequent trips to the bathroom. She may be dealing with body image issues as her belly gets bigger; she might think you don’t find her attractive. She may also be exhausted from all the baby prep, or worried about finances while she’s on maternity leave and afterward.
But I have some bad news for you. Childbirth will change your sex life. There’s no way around that. When that baby is done cooking, your wife will either be pushing that child out through a hole that is normally sized to fit a penis, or her stomach will be cut open so doctors can retrieve the child. Either way, you’re looking at at least six weeks without penetrative sex, assuming her hormones bounce back to normal levels the next day (they won’t.)
And then, of course, you’ll have the child to care for. Children are fussy, noisy time-sucks. You will both be exhausted for months or even years on end. Sex will wind up on the back-burner. But marriage is about more than sex, and I have some good news for you: husbands who pitch in with the household chores and childcare typically get more sex. The Gottman Institute in Seattle has been studying the correlation, as have a few other sociologists. If you’re helping with the housework and childcare, your wife will not only likely see you as sexier, but you’ll be freeing up some of her time and energy that can then be put to sexy fun times.
For now, though, you need to sit down with your wife and talk to her. Lack of communication is how relationships break down. Together, you two can figure out why sex has stopped, and maybe figure out how you can get back into it. For example, if she’s stressed about finances, sit down and make a budget. Decide now if you can afford daycare, or if one of you can stay home with the little one when her maternity leave is up.
And make sure you take the time to touch your wife. Stroke her arm or squeeze her shoulder when you walk by her. Cuddle with her on the couch after dinner. Run your hands over her belly. Maintain that physical connection even if the two of you can’t have sex right now. Make sure she feels adored and beautiful, even though her body is doing all these strange things.
Congratulations on the growing family
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