e2c708097e911b376dd1975dfd985fd5

A virgin, does not a good submissive make

There are a few red flags in your letter here that I found to be somewhat troubling. While I can sympathize with the lack of sensitivity you’re able to experience – I don’t believe the average woman will. That you made this request several times more than likely eroded any goodwill you had with this woman. Also, a recently defrocked virgin is probably not the ideal candidate for a D/S relationship. Here’s a metaphor that might work – she’s learning how to swim. She needs to spend a few months in the kiddie pool, and here you are trying to throw her into the Olympic divering pool. It sounds like she wants to put on her big girl pants – the only problem is that they don’t fit yet. She needs more time, experience, and security; and you need a little more common sense. And again, I don’t think too many self-assured women will be swayed by the ‘highly unlikely’ probability that they will get pregnant. That’s an easy assertion to make when you’re not the one doing the heavy lifting.

I’m somewhat suspicious of the emotional and psychological motivations for most D/S relationships, but ultimately if there’s consent, I try to keep my skeptic hat on the shelf. One thing I’m certain of is that a successful dynamic like this requires maturity, honesty, compassion, and clear communication. If she’s feeling anxious, that could be an indication that she isn’t really comfortable with this arrangement (whether it has anything to do with you personally is another matter). If you do have genuine feelings for her, then I believe the best course of action is to be pro-active and conciliatory. It’s unlikely that you can mastermind the perfect argument to win her back. I’m a big believer in actions over words, so put your best foot forward and demonstrate your feelings for her. I don’t necessarily mean that you should put on some contrived, hacky, Hollywood attempt at wooing her, but something honest and simple should do. But above all, respect her agency. If she can’t be convinced, move on. There are better subs in the sea, so to speak.

Ultimately, most relationships (vanilla or otherwise) are about compatibility. It’s somewhat unclear in your letter what your level of experience is as a dom. If this is her first go around, it probably isn’t the best use of your time or energy to be her mentor. You’re better suited finding someone who has had a few years of experience in these kinds of relationships (at least!).

As an aside, there’s a good lesson to be learned here in placing the virtue of logic over warm, fuzzy, effervescent (and largely transient) feelings. To borrow a phrase from the inimitable Thom Yorke, “just because you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there”. A little prudence may be your best course of action; sometimes its better to abandon ship if it means saving yourself (and your partner) undue agony. Good luck, and best wishes to both of you!

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